I just spent an awesome weekend with my girl friends at a beach house in Carlsbad near San Diego... and finally got home to rest and re-think about what happened between us, just three of us.
Brief introduction of me and my girl friends.
Lets just use some fake names, shrug, wont hurt.
Me: finished college in 3 years with an okay GPA. Took my lsat already, worked at a few places. now just...uhmm chilling and partying til my new job.
Wifey: a 4th year at a pretty competitive college, well, the best public university in Cal, and doing some type of finance major thingy. Very smart and pretty and tall, model-like ( sum up that's why she's my wifey)
Lover: transfer student from a JC to one of the top university in Cal. Uhm...im okay with her, but i definitely feel that wifey is a lot closer to her than me..and i will explain why.
I fell "asleep" while they were talking in the car. and here is how the conversation went btw lover and wifey
Lover: So how's you and your bf?
Wifey: we are doing good now. we js had a big fight a few weeks ago.
Love: OMG i know those fights, its annoying.... and i had fights like this in the past..
and she went on about the fights...and of course a 20 minutes conversation about..nothing else but BOY FRIENDS.
Im glad that i was "sleeping" so i dont have to join or look bored during this 20 minutes when its only 3 of us in the car.
...... next topic
Wifey: how's your frat? did you guys do XXX and XXX..
Lover: yea!! let me show you a picture of my lil sis, and she is hella smart ...... facebook comes handy...
Wifey: oh yea, about jobs and stuff, like they are so competitive and i feel so pressured in the frat to do things....
Wifey: yea, my class is alright, I dont wanna graduate tho. i mean the college life is better i guess
Lover: well, I am not ready and i love my campus!!!
I "slept" through those conversations, then lover turned around and asked me "who do you hangout now, dear?"
Me: I hangout with all different groups of friends. I don't like to be with the same group of people all the time, its just not that fun i think.
Lover: Oh. I guess....
Me: what about you then? who do you hangout? your frat people?
Lover: uhmm no..just this group of girls i met in college, im pretty uhmm close with them and stuff
Me: what about you wifey?
Lover: Of course, XX ( her boy friend) i bet you guys are together every single day.
Wifey: LOL yea, we are. well i hangout with my roommates and stuff. yea. its just that we are pretty close.
..............
a normal conversation, but it says a lot about where we are in our lives. Obviously we are in different stages. Things I worried about probably have not come to their mind or becoming a concern yet. Lover has thought about LSAT, law school, and now saying she wants to pursue her grad school in..uhmm lets just say another continent. Which, sounds to me, not being judgmental or anything, but as a person that have went through what they are going through right now, I gotta say, thats a dream, not a set goal. Not really. I give her a year to figure that one out on her own.
the conversation they have, pretty much has nothing to do with what i am going through in my life right now. I used to feel that i am super close with wifey, and at points i can relate to lover, but honestly, through this trip, i realize how distanced we are in life, and how much i have grown since college. But definitely i feel lonelier... in a way that nothing makes us have a common interest beside fashion and our mutual friends. Beyond that point, we pursue different things in life and reach different goals.
they worry about who is going to be their new roommate for the upcoming semester, what kind of pledging routine is going to be for their frats, and yes, of course, numerous midterms and papers are still awaiting for them to finish. Maybe the next stage is just a plan, something thats so up in the air.
For me, my next stage is not so up in the air as merely a plan, but a solid visualized picture that have engrained in my mind for the past whole year, and i have been striving for the same goal since the day i graduated. Went back and forth on my own decisions about law school, about becoming a lawyer and what not...and whether politic is really the thing i want to do in life. Tried different businesses, from food industry to medicine and even some type of construction used tools, well, life has a funny way of shaping you into who you are today, and instead of being more confused about what i am going to do in life, i actually realized that i have more potential in succeeding in both field of law and business. so a joint program for law school and business school become a new goal for me. Embedded with the past goal, I have two to pursue and will definitely take longer for me to see the outcome and result.
but for my two pretty girl friends, this road has not been walked yet, and perhaps they wont even taste the same bittersweet-ness of my route, they will pursue in their own way. Except the difference is when they are in this route I'm taking, I will be long gone, and once again, this conversation won't involve me. and once again, i have to either pretend to be sleeping or simply leave the party for them to enjoy alone.
I don't know why I can't contribute much of what I know to them. I tried. Tried to tell them that how lonely it feels once you are out of college, and taking one new way of lives and making new friends that not necessarily going through the same thing as your lovely college friends are. But yet, they get quiet around you, makes you feel sensitive about what you are pouring out through your own mouth. Like bitterness, sadness and of course, makes myself wonder if that's what i want to hear. Anyhow, it has came to my mind that perhaps they dont want to listen to me talking about it as i have already experienced it. they rather want to live in the moment and believe that this dreadful day or feeling will never come upon them.
Just like that, i left the party and quit thinking about what i should be telling them...
just like that...i guess it's better to be quiet than sharing
well, who understands, and who will.
